Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Parenting is hard...

I'm getting to the point where it's finally hitting me how it never gets easy. There are so many milestones that you pass and as you're on the road to that milestone you think of how much easier it will be when you get there. Once she's potty trained, once she's done napping, once she learns to read... and on and on.

But it never gets easier. It only gets harder.

Parenting is an awesome responsibility. It's the greatest thing I've ever done. It's hard. Lately, it seems like every day I find myself thinking, "Oh, if she could only see herself the way I see her! If she only knew how beautiful and smart she is!" And when she doesn't, it feels like I'm not doing my job like I ought to.

She's got a little confidence issue right now. And most of me believes this is just a phase, like so much of growing up is. But, there's a chunk of Laney's life I know nothing about. And her DNA is a total mystery. I doubt that will ever go away. It'll always sit there in the background: the great enigma of her existence. Even though I know every parent is surprised by the person their children become. This worry, I suspect, is hardly unique to adoptive parents.

It's worrisome. It's hard. It's still the greatest thing I've ever done. But there are days when I feel like my heart will burst with wanting for her; with wanting a better world for her, with wanting comfort for her, with wanting confidence for her, with wanting her life to be everything she wants it to be.

I'm just so grateful for her and I want so much to earn her presence in my life. Another thing I suspect is hardly unique to adoptive parents. Still, it's hard. And the greatest thing I've ever done.