Away We Go: An Open Letter

Dear Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida -

An adopted child is not a consolation prize. When you adopt a child, you don't sit around grieving your lack of a real baby unless you are a really shitty parent. If you've adopted a child, especially if you've adopted FIVE children, and you're not too busy raising those children to go out drinking every night to sublimate your feelings of failure because you couldn't have real kids, you are an unbelievably super shitty parent. Finally, when you adopt a child, you officially "have" children. Real ones.

Other than that, excellent film.

Yours,
MegBon, adoptive parent

Edited to add: This is an issue that's so near and dear to my heart. I wish people would understand that adoption is not some act of generosity made by sad people who can't have their "own kids." I wish people could get their heads wrapped around the fact that people adopt kids for exactly the same reason that lots of people give birth to them: you want a family. That's it. That's the only reason. There's nothing mysterious about it at all. I'm so disappointed that this otherwise lovely movie took that horrible misstep. I may write a real letter to Dave and Vendela and let them know that I love my daughter as much as they love their kid.

Girls

I was linked to this shitpile of an article from Shakespeare's Sister. They used the term "shitpile and I think they're right. This is whence it's earned:

Even before I had sons, I worried about having a daughter. I could handle boys, with their cut-and-dried needs, but girls were so much more complicated. Girls have elaborate hairstyling requirements. They whine and mope, manipulate and triangulate.

Now, granted, I'm the mother of a girl. But I know a whole bunch of parents of boys and it certainly doesn't feel like their jobs are any easier than mine. Kids are hard. And, sheesh, all kids whine and mope and manipulate. I believe what we got going on in that there pull quote is a fair amount of misogynistic projection.

But, it did make me think about Laney. When we decided to adopt, I told Don I wanted a girl. Don didn't care either way and was fine with checking the "girl" box on the adoption form.

I battled guilt. It felt like we were getting this enormous gift from Russia and I shouldn't be picky in any way, shape or form about what we were getting.

I talk a good game about how I decided it was OK to request a girl since there was so little we could control about the child who'd become ours. But, really, in my heart of heart, I just wanted a daughter.

And if I couldn't get pregnant, I could get this. I could get my daughter.

And I have her. And regret nothing. Laney is (to steal from a Shaker comment) made of awesome.

If we'd had the finances to do it again, we'd have been non-specific about gender. And, if we'd gone to Russia again, this would probably have meant a boy. I'd have liked a boy too. I love to cuddle my nephew (who is a big old bucket of cute, to be fair), and when I do I think how much I'd like to be the mother of a son too.

But, you know, this is what we have. And I wouldn't trade a drop of Laney for all the stars in the skies.

- an incoherent blogpost, my friends, but I've had a lot of wine. I blame the triple overtime Bulls game - Go Bulls!

Back to the rules...

It started in 2001. Hack Doctor urged us to get ourselves checked out fertility-wise. We were told all was fine and ours was a mysterious infertility. Leery of the drugs and uncertainty of IVF, we kicked off the adoption process immediately. We brought our beautiful, perfect Laney home in 2005. By 2007, our family felt settled and we were ready to revisit the fertility issue. I returned to Hack Doctor. She told me that if I wanted to get pregnant, we'd have to pursue an aggressive IVF-y route. I wonder how big this thing in me was by August, 2007…

A word on the Jolie-Pitts

The only thing that's stopped us from adopting another baby is money. If we had the resources that Brangelina has, we'd adopt a passel of kids too. It strikes me as callous and facile to make assumptions about their commitment to their family. I don't know if they're a couple of narcissists or not. What I do know is I'd be doing the same thing they are if I could. Personally, and from my position as an adoptive parent, I say good on them.

Also, Mia Farrow has 15 kids… why is she free from the mocking?

Laney's Eyes

So Laney didn't grow in me... she grew inside some wonderful Russian lady to whom I'm forever grateful. But she didn't grow in me. Still, check this out:

Don't our eyes look like they're the exact same color? Is it me? I wonder how that happens...