Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Dear Sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster, Please Grant Us Better Democrats

I was gonna skip it all tonight.  I did my damn civic duty and voted and I planned on spending the night with light-hearted television sitcoms.  But then Laney had a late night panic attack about a lost book and a potential detention due to the lost book and it was stressful and then all the good feelings engendered by New Girl and Selfie (by the way, that show is surprisingly good having ditched its sexist provenance) dissipated and I was left ragey. And so hear goes:

Dear Goddamn Democrats, if someone asks you if you voted for Barack Obama you say, "Why yes I did. I voted for the guy who brought health care to millions despite the most obstructionist congress ever and pulled the country out of its biggest financial crisis in nigh on a century instead of the guy who thinks that a slap half of you are nothing but shiftless losers.  And while I voted for him, this does not mean I march in lockstep with him because we are messy, individualistic Democrats and not Republicans who are, never forget, Republicans first and citizens of this nation second. This is another reason why we are better than them and you should vote for us."

You stand behind the leader of your party instead of buying into the endless, tiresome cable news bullshittery that this is a center-right country because, dammitalltohell: it is not.  Just about every good thing we have as Americans has been brought to us by progressives.  And as soon as you explain to Johnny America that "progressive"does not mean handing your hunting rifle off to the closest black panther while instituting Soviet style rationing and making Jesus illegal, folks might get to understanding that. Jesus Christ on a cracker, you have liberalism to thank for weekends.  Who doesn't like weekends?

But because we are America and America has TERRIBLE Democrats, we had a bunch of knock-kneed panty-waists running away from the very thing they ought to have been running towards.

This profound, disgusting and craven failure to embrace progressivism is why people believe that Reagan was a great president and Carter was a terrible one which fact and history clearly belies.  Good googly moogly, what I wouldn't give to hear some Democratic candidate ovary-up and dispel the myth of St. Reagan of the Big Nutz.  It would plummet like the damn Hindenberg if someone would just say "Hey, the emperor has no clothes!"

Democrats: be better!  We're not expecting you to be great.  We understand that you, like your Republican colleagues, are bought and paid for by the oligarchy that runs us and you will likely be terrible once you get into office, but you will be LESS terrible.

But to get there, you have to be less terrible.

At the very least, if someone asks you if you voted for Barack Obama, the answer, you dim-witted dumb fucks is YES!  And then tell people why.