Monday, August 18, 2008

Breaking the one rule...

I switched doctors since it was always such a pain to get to my old one. I'd been going to her for most of my 30s and thought she was OK. She was with me all through the fertility issues. But, I found someone more conveniently located and then promptly discovered that I have a 10 cm (that's right TEN centimeter) fibroid on my uterus which might (emphasis on "might") have been the CAUSE of all the fertility issues. I don't know what to do about any of this.

Laney's my girl, my only girl, my heart, my life and my world and the only reason I have her is because I couldn't get pregnant. The thought of her NOT being my daughter is unfathomable. She's part of me. Being Laney's mother is the greatest thing I've ever gotten to do. I mean, look at this kid:

On the other hand, I spent YEARS feeling like I had fundamentally failed as a woman. And, on the third hand, there is a foreign entity in my body that is NOT supposed to be there and that's been there for a while and no one fucking noticed. I am enraged enough to break my only blogpost rule. And confused. I'm just not sure what to make of all this stuff which I probably shouldn't be so public about anyway.