Friday, May 23, 2014

Dogs and Babies

I've been thinking a lot about guns lately.  But, man, they are SUCH a drag and it was such a pretty day and I've finished the work I had to do and I'm heading into a long weekend where I'll get to see awesomesauce friends and family from distant American lands and I can sleep for as long as I want tonight so I just don't want to think about guns.

Actually, I can't sleep as long as I want.  Just as soon as Laney got to be old enough to get herself up in the morning, fire up a laptop and disappear into the mystical and confounding world of Minecraft where she would happily spend hours building things and virtually murdering strangers while I slept on and on and on (baby and toddler parents: It Gets Better ... unless you get into the soccer world, which, come on, don't get into that world!  That kid has been cheating you out of sleep for four years now, why are you willingly signing on for 8:00 am games?  You are not raising Mia Hamm!  And if you are, Mia will work it out on her own.  Sleep in, man.  The soccer world is for suckers.  Let the kid play Minecraft or watch Spongebob while you sleep.  This advice is free. You should take it!), we got a second dog.

I feel guilt about the second dog.  The second dog is so adorable he makes me feel guilty about the first dog.  Ginger (Dog One) is lovely.  She's got these big beagle eyes and her markings make it look like she's wearing eyeliner and she's just beautiful! But she's like a canine Kardashian in that her only discernible talent is lookin' good.  Bunker (Dog Two), on the other hand, has these big furry feet and he greets you at the door with his toy and then, when he's ready to chill, just drops on the floor with his legs splayed out behind him.  He's so goddamn cute.  I just gaze at him and then I imagine that Ginger is telepathically chiding me for the betrayal.

She is not chiding me for the betrayal.  She is a dog.  She is unaware of betrayal.  She knows two things:  dinnertime and walkies.  She could not find a way to care less that I love Bunker.  But I still feel kind of guilty.

How do people with more than one kid do it? Do you constantly feel guilty? I mean,  Of COURSE you do!  You have children - guilt comes standard.  But do you find yourself going "My baby is so fucking cute!  Oh! The four year old is ok too."  Bunker is doing something to me.  I think babies are less cute than Bunker.  I mean, they are more beautiful and obviously you love babies more than I love Bunker... but you should see those big furry feet!  They are the feet of adorableness.

It helps that Bunker smells (and I believe I am being very precise with my language here) like straight up ass.  I love him a little less for his stinkiness. You probably feel the same way about your babies.

I have now become a person who is conflating babies and dogs.  I never wanted to be this person.  But this is where I am.  It helps that I can sleep until I start to worry that one of the dogs is fixing to pee or poop on the floor.  That should keep me abed until about 8:00.  9:00 if I take them out before bed.

You baby parents are jealous, right?  Your baby smells amazing.  Babies do that.  If I'm being honest Bunker and Ginger both smell like ass.  And one of them peed on the floor last week.