There were thunderstorms last night. Thunderstorms used to soothe and relax me. But then I got dogs. I have one dog who is deeply neurotic about thunderstorms and another dog who is deeply neurotic about being any distance greater than 18 inches from a human person. The scene: twas roughly 1:00 am when the thunderstorms began. Ginger carried her weary, aged body up the stairs and cast her regal eye on Bunker who had the audacity to occupy the dog bed that sits next to the human bed. "Male dog," she demanded, "You are in the space where I typically pant and fart until the thundery danger has passed. Please remove yourself." Bunker replied, "I am yours to command, O alpha lady."
And thus the next several hours were filled with the sounds of Ginger panting and farting her terror away whilst Bunker click-click-clicked his nails on the hardwood floors, pacing, wondering "Are the humans close enough? I'd better jump up the bed to make sure … there they are… that's better… I'm so relieved I'm going to scratch vigorously." Then one of us would kick Bunker off. Then Ginger would refuse to vacate the dog bed. Then Bunker click-click-clicked his nails as he paced...
And so, after some time of muttering "stupid asshole dogs" as I fluffed up my pillows, I gave up on the idea of sleep, and instead turned my weary mind to more productive things. I counted the things I hate the most. And then I began judging the things other people hate. And thus a little listicle was born.
First, the Judgment: A Short List of Things You Probably Hate Too Much, If You Hate Them at All
Kanye West
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| I know… but My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is SO GOOD |
Reality TV
 |
| You would watch this one, though, right? |
Cyclists
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| They're not all like this! |
Gwyneth Paltrow
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| I admire her for her liberating lack of self-awareness |
Kids in Restauransts
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| Be cool about it - no one wants to be Betty |
Spoilers
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| If the show's been off the air for more than a year... |
Vegans
Tourists
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| Still, tourist… speed it up, man! |
Politics
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| It's exhausting, but it still matters |
Country Music
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| This lyric makes me doubt my assessment. We may not hate her enough |
Second, Self-Recriminatory Judgement: Things I Hate Too Much
People who don't immediately go when the light turns green
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| OH MY GOD JUST GO GO GO GO GO GO |
Motorcycles
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| SHHHHHHH, motorcycle! |
Talkin' about how Saturday Night Live hasn't been good since Belushi left
The Lost series finale
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| So… that's it, then? |
Republicans
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| But not this one… this one is awful |
People who claim they've never heard of really famous people
 |
| I know you know who Jennifer Aniston is. |
Oracle databases
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| I hate what I do not understand |
That tiresome bacon thing that's ragin' through the nation
 |
| It's funny when Ron Swanson does it, though |
Aaron Sorkin
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| Look - it's a smarmy dude and a woman who thinks he's amazing! |
Third, Acceptance: Things That I (and, I Hope, You) Hate with All the Searing Passion They Deserve
The song Blurred Lines
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| The musical version of a roofie |
People who engage turn signals as they're in the process of turning
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| IT IS NO GOOD TO ME NOW! |
 |
| It's been 10 years now. I'm still not over it |
 |
| Skeevy, sexist, and racist to boot! |
-
Purity Balls
 |
| Tacky may be understating it... |
Libertarians
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| Ayn Rand is also a terrible storyteller! |
Still like the dogs though...
