Saturday, January 25, 2014

Winter is Being SUCH an Asshole This Year

A few nights ago, I was taking a bath and thinking about this guy I saw buying a bunch of lottery tickets at the gas station and I worked up this analogy of how people of limited means who are opposed to a progressive tax system because they think they'll be rich one day are dumber than people who buy lottery tickets.  But then I got out of the tub and started to write it and the metaphor grew more and more tortured so I got back in the tub, but this time with an Entertainment Weekly and a bourbon.

I want to never not be in my tub anymore.  And my tub sucks.  It's one of those shitty built in the wall ones that you can buy at Home Depot for like $7.95.  I can't keep my boobs and my toes under water at the same time.  It's small.  It sucks.  But it's warm.  Especially with a bourbon.

I'm not writing this from my tub.  Instead I'm sitting in my living room which smells vaguely of pee because the goddamn dog peed on the rug this morning because she's an asshole.  There are two cute girls on the couch watching Frozen and that's pissing me off because even though I like that movie, we should be watching it ironically.  But since they are 10 and 7 they don't know how to do that yet.

This winter sucks, you guys.  And I'm not normally a person terribly bothered by winter.  What's this winter like for people who hate normal winters? I'd send some sympathy their way, but I'm saving it all for myself.  I am only feeling sorry for myself.  If winter and the dog can both be assholes, so can I.

I used to be like Elsa - the cold never bothered me anyway.  It bothers me now, though, because it is a million degrees below zero.  Also, I'm worried that I may have unhealthily internalized Frozen since this is my fourth viewing of it.  It's too goddamn cold outside to do anything but go to the movies and you can't take a fifth grader to American Hustle.  I get Elsa (you should click on that link... ).  She's my girl, even if her head is bigger than her waist.  I want to run away to a magic castle that I never have to leave mostly because driving anywhere is impossible due to the permanent sheen of salt and frost on my car windows.  

My car's being an asshole too.

I like to indulge my pissiness by reading internet comments from climate change deniers who think that this winter is evidence that there's no such thing as global warming because then I can roll my eyes dramatically and say, "Oh yeah, this is normal, motherfuckers."   Stoking my own sense of intellectual superiority is warming.

There's another polar vortex coming on Monday.

I'm going to take another bath.