About a month ago, fresh in the post-Christmas swing-of-things, I made two declarations because I am a person who makes declarations now. Deal with it. My first declaration was that 2019 was going to be the year of Giving People A Break. That guy who cuts me off in traffic might be in a huge rush because his wife is pregnant. That person at work who sent the rude email might have just gotten chewed out by his boss. My daughter is sarcastic at me because she is 15! Let's give people a break! Right, Rachel?
Look, I get your skepticism. The world is complicated and difficult and maybe we don't make excuses for terrible people. So I don't care what happened to Mitch McConnell. That guy can continue to fuck right the fuck off.
But while I was making Declarations (I've decided to go on ahead and capitalize Declarations. I feel like that's warranted), I also declared this month Not Buying Stupid Shit January.
Buying stupid shit makes me feel like I have some control over the future. I may not know how I'm going to pay for Laney to go to college or whether or not climate change has us irrevocably fucked. But this Thing will make some other Thing OK:
I dunno, Rach. I think I deserve a promotion to Head Buyer.
But, money is money and waste is waste and we should all probably buy less stupid shit. So let's take to Amazon and see how I did through Don't Buy Stupid Shit January:
January 5
I made bread on January 4th and that went pretty well so I decided to buy a sifter. It was $6.36 and I used it when I made some killer biscuits last weekend. I declare this... I mean, I Declare this: not that stupid.
January 18
Did you see how long I went without buying anything stupid? How impressed are you? I'm VERY impressed with myself. Now, what did I buy on January 18th:
360 biodegradable poop bags for $15.99. Gurl, that is 100% not stupid. That's the definition of a wise purchase. I am a good and virtuous person who picks up the dog poop in biodegradable bags which she buys in bulk in order to maximize cost efficiency. Winner!
January 21
Only three days. Less good. What did I buy?
Great. Now all you bitches know my bra size. Whatever. But, here's the thing, I had two good bras and one of them died on a work trip. Just fell apart. Underwire everywhere. I was going to buy another new bra at Soma or someplace good, but instead I bought the cheap one, which is... fine. You may wonder why a grown woman only has two bras. I work from home, motherfuckers. I am able to eschew the daily bra! So, I have two bras; I exhausted one and then replaced it on the cheap. I am KILLING Don't Buy Stupid Shit January!
Feb 1
Look, these are "shipped" dates not "bought" dates. I bought this in January.
Basic pet maintenance. I'm still the very best at Don't Buy Stupid Shit January!
Feb 1
Uh oh. There are two coming tomorrow?
This is empirically a little stupid. But it's only $13 of stupid and my neighbor has one and he loves it and there was also a Medium post that recommended it to me via email, describing it as the Best Tech Purchase of 2018 and so they're definitely spying on me. Still, only $13. But also... a little stupid:
February 4
Did I buy something stupid today? On the last day of Don't Buy Stupid Shit January? Did I entirely fold and buy something I almost definitely do not need and which is also sort of stupid?
STRAIGHT TO THE GIF!!!
You know what, Rachel? You don't need to judge me. It was less than $25 AND IT HAS POCKETS! (How, do you think, do pockets work in a scarf?) If I love it you're all gonna feel real stupid for judging me for buying something stupid on the last day of Don't Buy Stupid Shit January.
You guys have any thoughts on what I should Declare for February? Maybe Don't Eat Stupid Shit? I'm taking recommendations, but don't be a-holes about it. It's still Give People A Break 2019!!!!
Ooh, excellent idea, Rachel! I Declare next month Bring Back Dope 80s Slang February. Who's in?!
