Monday, October 13, 2014

Things I Don't Understand: Endeavoring to Explain the Ways In Which I Do Not Quite Fit

I wanted to check in on a customer today so I sent him an email.  This is fascinating start to a blogpost, right?  Anyhoo, as I was sending the email I thought of my boss who told me recently how annoyed he gets by people who email instead of picking up the phone.  He thinks of email as a way of taking a shortcut rather than  committing fully to the engagement.  I, on the other hand, find unscheduled calls kind of irritating. I feel like a phone call is another way of saying, "I need you to stop what you're doing right now and deal with me" while an email is "hey, I need something from you but am willing to wait for you to do that thing in your own time."  The heck of it is, though, that I can see the other side - I can see that my boss's predilection for phone over email makes sense.  It is more personal.

So this got me thinking of all the things that people I respect and love believe that I just cannot grok.  So here's a list. With Parks and Rec gifs because I miss that show and want to look at Parks and Rec gifs while I write it!

Doing business on the phone rather than via email
Covered this above already

Sometimes I answer the phone, though, instead of stabbing post-its

Driving Rather than Walking
There are not many things I look forward to about aging.  Aging sucks.  But I plan to give up my car the slap second that kid of mine can get herself around OK.  I will give up my car with extreme prejudice.  I want to live in a world where I walk everywhere. But there are people who will drive two blocks rather than walk.  And it's not like I'm all fit and healthy and care about the environment (I do, though!), it's just that I HATE driving.

Although, maybe if my car were as nice as Donna's...

Suburbs/Small towns over cities
Part of this may be the driving thing.  But it's also that I really, really enjoy every day being surrounded by people that I do. not. fucking. know.  I get that this is weird.  People like knowing the people they live among, as we are generally pretty confident that folks we know are not fixing to rob or murder us.  But, I love seeing a parade of strangers walk past my house every day.  It makes me feel part of a real community but not one, you know, where I'm expected to engage in conversation all the time. 

I was not born in a small town.  Nor do I plan on dying in one.  I plan to die amongst strangers.  As god intended.

Wanting to live where it's the same temperature all year
On a conference call (a scheduled conference call), a work buddy was talking about how awesome it would be to live in San Diego where every day is sunny and 72.  Oh my god, I would hate that so much. This is like some kind of Satrean level of existential despair.  Hell is not other people. Hell is always 72 and sunny.  

And, therefore, utterly lacking in romance + fabulous outerwear

Light Beer
Oh, sure, you guys, I get it! We all want to watch our girlish figures! But light beers, and especially those ultra low calorie beers, are the work of the devil!  If you want a low calorie beverage, drink a whiskey and water, for god's sake.  Or just poor half a beer into a glass and then top it off with water.  Same thing. Lite beer.  Gross. I feel so strongly about this I'm gonna double-gif it.

Yes, April.  Yes it is.
No, Ron. There are wrong ways to consume alcohol.

Thinking kids are ugly
I said this on Facebook a while ago, and I continue to mean it.  I smile at literally every picture of your kid that  you put on Facebook. Every one of them.


And if you think some kids are ugly - it's probably you, not them

Refusing to Watch The Wire or Breaking Bad
I watched both of these shows after having been exhorted to do so by other people.  If I like the same stuff as you and you say "YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS SHOW" I will watch it.  The Good Wife and Game of Thrones are both on the list. But there's something about these two shows that people just refuse.  They're like this:

Say yes!  You won't regret it.

Dark Superhero Movies
I have some nerd cred. Considerable, as a matter of fact.  But I do not get dark superhero movies.   Christian Bale is a fine actor and all but how does anyone not groan and roll their eyes at that ridiculous gravelly voiced palaver? Ugh! 

What's next?  Batman weeps?  Wait.. I would watch that. 

Fretting About Social Media
The internet is all kinds of new and I get that we get nervous about new things.  But when confronted with a think piece about the dangers of social media it's like I'm Jerry and the think piece is the pie:

Which is a shame because I love pie!

All the time with the bacon.  I know it's delicious and I get it... but oh my god, it does not give you orgasms or cure cancer.  Just, for crying out loud, enough with the damn bacon!

If bacon IS giving you orgasms, you're doing something wrong.  Something really wrong.
For literally (LITERALLY) every point up here, I know and love some person who is going to disagree with me (pretty sure several of you will claim that bacon does give you orgasms).  But, you know, I walk a different beat.  

For example, if I were queen of the world, this would be literally (LITERALLY) everyone's ring tone and that way every time a phone rang, I'd feel cheerful. I'd still never answer it, though.