Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Class Warfare

Thanks to my old teacher and Pal, Ruthie, for this picture.  Leave it to Dorothy Parker to just hit it on the head.

See, Laney goes to camp in this super chi-chi neighborhood in Chicago.  It's a Park District Camp, so the camp isn't too pricey - but the neighborhood it's in is lousy with rich people.  And every time I drop Laney off or pick her up, I get annoyed. 

I get annoyed by the cars.  My car has dents and a piece of pink duct tape holding on the trunk handle. I don't mind too much because I think if you gotta have duct tape on your car, pink is the way to go.  It's sort of cute.  It's like the back of my car is smiling at you. But it's hard to park my adorable old POS by Laney's camp, because the streets are glutted with Lexus SUV's and practical little Hondas.  The Moms drive the Lexus SUV's and their nannies drive the practical little Hondas.

The Moms. The Moms piss me off even if I am sure that they are probably all lovely people who love their children and watch Parks and Rec and drink wine and say "fuck" sometimes when they talk.  But, GOD, they are are all so fit and have such nice clothes! They wear $80 yoga pants over $140 Reeboks and are like 4% body fat.  I'm carrying a laptop in a bag I bought at Goodwill and tottering around on uncomfortable heels that I bought on sale at Payless.  I like to think that if my yoga pants cost $80, my body would transform itself into 4% body fat because of shock.

I would love to have a membership to East Bank Club and a nanny and be 4% body fat and lease a new Lexus every two years.  I am annoyed by these people because I am jealous.  Sometimes I fantasize about scraping a Lexus as I parallel park.  You'd never notice it on my car.  Their cars though... ha HA!  A scrape would really stand out on a Lexus three months into a two year lease.  But I don't because that would be rude and also because I am very proud of my parallel parking skills and couldn't stand for someone to think I'd done it accidentally.

If I were to start randomly scratching the paint off new Lexuses out of spite that might reasonably be interpreted as an act class warfare (more an act of desperate pettiness... but whatever). You know what's not class warfare?  A progressive tax code in which people who make over $350,000 a year pay 35% in taxes and are not enabled to stash money in overseas accounts and don't get a $77,000 tax credit for having a $100,000 horse. Because I had to pay over $3000 last year in taxes and have DUCT TAPE ON MY CAR!!!!! Mitt Romney got a $77,000 credit because he's rich enough to have a $100,000 HORSE!

I got off track... I wonder if the horse's dressage saddle is held together with pink duct tape... Do dressage horses have saddles?

Anyhoo, to summarize: bursting into tears and throwing punches when you see someone at 4% body fat who drives an unbesmirched car and buys shoes at Macy's that aren't even on sale is not behavior anyone should indulge no matter how fat you feel that day and how cute the shoes are.  Progressive tax rates?  Those are fair.  And rich people should quit whining about it and pay them.