Ladies and Gentlemen, this fellow was hitting on me. His technique was to shit all over my fandom and then, I guess, I'd be so charmed by his vastly superior baseball knowledge that I'd just do him right there in Wrigley Field.
I was reminded of that today when this video began making the rounds:
To recap, this happened:
The girls start snapping selfies. And the announcers react with a level of disgust commensurate with, I dunno, like masturbating in the stands. Or pooping in the aisles. Can you believe those narcissistic girls? People are playing baseball and these vain girls are taking selfies and not paying attention!
I listened to the commentary like:
You know what? Selfies are fun. Selfies are fun to take and they are fun reminders of the day you had. And they're great because you end up with a picture of you that you like - hugging on your best girl, eating a churro. Selfies. Are. Fun. And if those girls want to treat their day at the old ballpark as an opportunity to eat fried dough and drink beer outside in cute "for her" sports clothes, that's no skin off Bob Brenly's nose. Christ on a cracker, the D-Backs are in third place, four games below .500. It's not like they were taking selfies when Bobby Thompson's shot was flying around the world.
But what really pisses me off about the whole thing is that the tv camera is always going to find a pack of cute girls in the ball park. But the cute girl has to be cute in the way she's expected to be cute. Goddammit, cute girls at the D-Back game! Your job is to look cute for whatever middle-aged white guy is choosing where the camera goes. If you look cute for yourselves, you're just RUINING the whole thing.
Last year a guy tweeted at Janelle Monae that he was "tired of those dumbass suits. You fine but u too damn soulful." And Janelle Monae said:
You go and get it, Janelle Monae.
Lemme tell you something, young women of the world: you have the right to look how you want, to dress how you want, to wear your hair how you want, to talk how you want, and to take as many damn selfies as you want without feeling the need to care about the disgust or approbation of middle-aged men who are disappointed that you won't fit into the model that is comfortable for their consumption.
And if you're not as pithy or as quick with a tweet as Ms. Monae, may I recommend:
That is all.
By the way, I knew then who generally batted sixth for the Cubs. I don't know who bats sixth for the Cubs now. And I can still enjoy a motherfucking ballgame.