Thursday, May 9, 2013

Goddamn American Heroes

Let's talk about the towering intellects who carry big ass guns into public places to make a statement about freedom.  Like this guy:

And this guy:

And this guy:

Lookit: I know that you and your big swinging dick are a Goddamn Bona Fide American Hero (tm).  I know that if you were in that movie theater in Aurora or that classroom in Sandy Hook, you'd have been the Good Guy With the Gun.  Actually, you know that.   I don't.  I know that the only thing that makes a situation where a crazy person is firing an assault weapon worse is adding a stupid person firing an assault weapon.  And, let's be very clear:  if you are a person who thinks that walking into a place filled with people ... and I cannot overstate this... people who DO NOT KNOW YOU makes a bold statement about freedom, you are a stupid person.  Really stupid.  Like your parents are first cousins.  Like you are challenged to the point of profound frustration by a Word Jumble.  Like you wonder why Charlie Sheen hasn't won a Mark Twain award.  You are dumb.  Dumbity dumb dumb.  You are so stupid, you should be helped across the street.  You are so dumb you think it's a profound injustice that Jay Z can use the n-word and you can't.  You are dumber than your big swinging dick there and your big swinging dick doesn't have an actual brain.


Now owning guns does not mean you are dumb.  Let's say you are a person who has a gun that you keep unloaded and locked away. Let's say you teach your children that guns are not toys.  Let's say that when you clean your gun, you know to make sure that it is unloaded and that there is not a round in the barrel (or whatever the goddamn term is... we are all ALL of us over the idea that you have to be a gun expert to have an opinion on gun control.  That's stupid.  That's a thought process that belongs to Jackass George of the Jungle up there). If you understand that guns are dangerous, than you are not stupid and you jibe far more comfortably with all us pantywaist liberal pussies.  Because while we might not have guns, we understand they are dangerous.  The addlepated nincompoops up there don't get that.  They think of guns like god's awesome boner.  They are dumb.

So you gun owners who are not functionally retarded need to stop marching lockstep with the dimbulb dunce who carried a goddamn assault rifle into a JC Penny because FREEDOM.  Don't be that guy. He's a fucking idiot.

And stop letting Wayne Lapierre speak for you.  He's not dumb.  He's evil.  His main function in life is to pay the Congressional whores with dollars flowing his way from gun manufacturers whose pockets are, in turn, being lined by Idiot America who believe (because they are so profoundly stupid)  that Barack Obama is going to take their guns and give it to those two black panther guys from that one time in Detroit.  

Let me speak their language: it's us and them time.  "Them" are the idiotic, troglodytic, knuckle-dragging, moronic, dunderheaded nitwits from the pictures above.  "Us" are the people who understand that three kids in a week killing themselves with guns left carelessly lying about are not just three crazy accidents.  They are three preventable deaths whose prevention is thwarted by the greed of the gun lobby and weakness of our Congress.  Join us.  It's nice.  Fewer dead people.  Less Ted Nugent.  It's a win all around.