Friday, August 24, 2012

Seriously... It's Gonna Be SUPER Embarrassing

Just to expand on a recent Facebook post, I will reiterate this public service announcement: if you are trafficking in birtherism you will, barring a spectacular level of racist delusion, one day, be very embarrassed by this.  I am telling you this for your own good.

Further to this, even right now your loathsome commitment to othering the duly elected leader of this country is causing great pain and embarrassment to someone who loves you. To illustrate this, I want you to imagine that you're standing in the silent but crowded halls of your own high school. Next to you is the person you have a crush on and the coolest person in school (this may or may not be the same person).  Suddenly your Mom, who is also there, farts audibly and then laughs loudly and says "Whoa!  Must have stepped on a duck."  Imagine how embarrassed you are.  Someone you love is that embarrassed and more every time the words "birth certificate" are vomited carelessly from your mouth.  In this example, your mother has been very rude and clueless as to the effects of her audible farts on your social standing.  But she is not being a racist asshole.  Your bitherism is more embarrassing than this loud, maternal public fart in front of the head cheerleader.  By a long shot.

And while I know too that the pundits and politicians you admire may have convinced you that the worst social travesty in the world is to call someone else racist, but they are wrong.  You know what's worse than pointing out someone else's racism? Racism.  Racism is worse.  And birtherism, I promise you, is one hundred percent racist at its core.  Well, at its core, around its core.  It's pretty much a thick core of racism surrounded by self-deluded dumbness.  Which may itself be the definition of racist.  Regardless of how much of it is racist (it's all racist) it's all super dumb and embarrassing.  

And I know... I know it seems unfair that all the poor black people in the world are getting rich on welfare checks and also get use the N word and are also cooler than you.  But this is a fiction!  There are more white people who get welfare than black people, and no one gets rich on welfare.  And it is also not unfair that black people get to use a word that you shouldn't (and it's pretty dumb to resent that anyway).  On the third point, though, you're probably right.  If you are trafficking in birtherism, you are not cool.  You know what would make you cooler?  Not being a birther!

I tell you this not because I care about you, per se.  If you are are a birther you are also a racist shit-for-brains and I'm not particularly interested in maintaining a relationship with you.  But the more you air your paranoid, racist delusions, the more the rest of the world begins to think this is something Americans in general do.  And, dude, it's EMBARRASSING! Knock it off.  For real. You sound like an asshole.