This will meander. I apologize. President Pussygrabber stole the life out of me and I haven't had the inclination to blog and also I've been spending too much time on Twitter and am, therefore, suffering from a surfeit of opinion. There are too many opinions! This is my opinion! Who wants to hear more?
I know, I know! Not you.
Good burn, imaginary blog reader!
Anyway, another opinion (it's why we're here, folks). Wanna know the worst thing about getting old? The increasingly cacophonous drumbeat of your own mortality. That shit sucks.
Also, my skin is drying the eff out!
I am a moisturizing mofo. I have a subscribe and save Amazon deal for L'Oreal Revitalift Anti-Wrinkle + Firming Night Cream. The name of this product makes me angry. I don't care. I love it despite its dumb plus sign and false promises. And, look, I know that night cream and day cream are the same thing. I'm not stupid! I saw Patti Lupone as Helena Rubenstein in War Paint explicitly state this (the previous statement a total Tahani name drop because, you guys, I saw Patti Lupone on stage IRL and it was ah-mah-zing) but for some reason I'm happy with Ponds in the morning but I require something from a glass jar at night. I can handle the cheap plastic Ponds jar (is it a jar? does a jar come in plastic? aren't jars by nature glass? tub? it's a tub, isn't it?) after a good night's sleep, but when I'm nestled up in my comfy king-sized bed, nightcap beside me, soothing television show in front of me, I cannot with the plastic. I must have glass! MY PRECIOUS!
Amazon tells me that most people get one jar of L'Oreal Revitalift Anti-Wrinkle + Firming Night Cream a month.
Lololol, I blog scoffingly.
I get two jars a month. Plus the giant tub of Ponds (I've accepted the tub-iness of it) for morning and also other ad hoc face and neck moisturizing. There's a lot of ad hoc moisturizing. I work from home.
I also just indulged in the buy-3-get-3 deal on Ultra Shea Body Lotion from Bath and Bodyworks. I am bougie in the most basic ways imaginable. The shea is ultra which is so much better than shea that is moderate, self-effacing, discreet. I mean, obviously.
(shhh. I don't know what "shea" is, but I'm a sucker for it)
People tell me they can't stand how greasy they feel after they apply lotion. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? WHAT IS YOUR LIFE? I AM FLUMMOXED BY YOUR LOTIONLESS WAYS!. I apply lotion to my skin and it drinks it up like it's Nic Cage chasing an Oscar (note: Don gave me the start of this metaphor, but the surprise twist ending is my own. I AM PROUD). I emerge from a shower, dry off and slather myself in shea in all its ultra glory. It's wonderful. For about an hour. Then MOAR LOSHIN!
I inherited nice skin from my mother (thanks, Mom!). I am a sun avoider from way back. I wash my face once (not twice! Nevah twice!) a day. I take care of my skin. I have been the motherfucking Daenerys Targaryen of skin protection. DRACARYS, wrinkles and dry patches and sags. DRACARYS YOU ASSHOLES.
But I am knocking up on 50. This battle grows more pitched, more heated. I grow weary from the fight. Sometimes a bitch just wants to go to sleep, you know? But I'm going to fight on. I'll drink a lot more water, commit to at least 8 hours of sleep a night, enter into some Mephistophelean pact (does anyone have a Mephistophles guy?), ponder deeply whether I can afford to do whatever Nicole Kidman has done (I love Nicole Kidman, you guys! But there is a lot of science behind that smooth, poreless nature). You know, a normal skin care regimen.
Anyway. This is my first blogpost in forever. I hope you've enjoyed it. I'm going to go upstairs and apply more lotion.
