Sunday, August 12, 2018

A Tale of Two Feminists and Their Hair

Here's a neat interview with the marvelous Lena Waithe, whom I think is just the cat's pajamas:


Next up, here's the story of a lady who stopped coloring her hair and the incredibly rude people who commented disparagingly on her decision. I found myself thinking a few times in the course of this story that she must have made up some of these anecdotes, but I also know the things people have felt at liberty to say to me and that there are some rude motherfuckers out there. Folks, don't make rude personal comments to people. I shouldn't have to tell you that. God!

These stories are similar, right? One woman cut off her hair, one woman stopped dying her hair.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I preferred the Lena story to the InStyle story (not a big fan of the "here's how I been done treated wrong by the world" rhetorical device). But I will note that both are about changes that a woman made and not about Changes Women Need to Make.

But the reactions went elsewhere. Over at the post where I read the Lena Waithe story, there were many commenters bemoaning how attached some women are to their long hair and how they haven't embraced the liberty that really short hair provides. A friend of mine shared the gray-haired lady's story, saying that women who don't dye their hair are "slaves" to an unfair beauty standard. And then when I objected to that she was thoughtful and kind but also implied that those of us who don't choose to embrace the gray are sacrificing our authority. Ma'am!

Here's a brief list of beauty standards I've heard that women need to stop embracing:

  • Short skirts
  • High heels
  • "Vocal fry"
  • Slutty clothes
  • Overly modest clothes
  • Gym clothes
  • Black clothes (confession: this is one I've heard personally many many times)
  • Colorful rainboots (confession: I've objected to that one before)
  • Visible bra straps
  • Bras
  • Nylons
  • Bare legs
  • Losing weight
  • Gaining weight
  • Walking fast
  • Walking slow
  • Saying "sorry"
  • Saying "like".

Lookit: Men (shoot, PEOPLE) reflexively trust other men in positions of authority more because men have been the sole occupants at seats of authority for the entire history of western civilization. It's not female voices or clothes or style or any other form of female presentation that keeps us from power. It's not because we've sacrificed authority in pursuit of approval. It's because men have held jealously, and thoughtlessly, onto it.

And yet it's we women who are constantly being told that we're presenting ourselves wrong. It's almost like patriarchy reinforces itself by convincing women that patriarchy is our own fault. But here's a hot secret: women, patriarchy isn't because you don't look right. Dress how you like to dress. Wear your hair how you like your hair to look. Wear makeup if you want, or don't if you don't. If you like how you look in heels, wear heels. If you think they're dumb, don't. Shave your legs and your pits or don't. Your voice isn't too high. Your voice isn't too low. You don't need to talk more. You don't need to talk less. You do need to stop telling your sisters that they're woman-ing wrong.

Here's my hair testimony: I wear my hair really long and somewhere between pink and blonde. This is about 75% because I hate getting my hair cut, 15% because pony tails are just so easy and 10% because of vanity (i was always scared to dye my hair crazy colors in my youth, so it's a treat to do it now). It is 0% because I give a shit about youthful beauty standards (my careful skin care regimen is because of that and, men, you should join me! Moisturize!). That said, if you do like to turn a man's head with your sexy hair, you go and get it, girl! 

The wise and wonderful Amy Poehler said, "Here's a motto I want all women to embrace: Good for her! Not for me." 

I'm less wise and wonderful so instead I'll say this: there's no way to be a woman wrong. Feminist respectability politics are bad. And, for the love of Maud, let's embrace femininity as the multi-faceted, rich, abundant bucket of everything it is.
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